*This one is out of chronological order as well, written in late July.*
Hi I’m Ivy,
I have a mood disorder and I was high when I thought this would be a good idea.
I’m new to the city and having new experiences.
And people are experiencing me.
There’s the bursting into tears amongst trusted friends when we all thought we were having a good time
Ranging to heading to the supermarket on a high spending 400 bucks on food.
I don’t know if I was over shopping – when I’m high I like sex and shopping – or if grocery prices have become fucking insane
On this afternoon with a full to overflowing trolley I reached two free check out operators and exclaimed loudly “Who wants to serve me? Who’s having a lucky day? Going once, going twice….” Being quite extroverted and wanting to joke around at any opportunity.
Got a smile and then chatted to my friend later that night about how I’d made friends with a homeless man while having a smoke break earlier that day and he’s invited me to open mic on a Wednesday.
I’ve lived in the country my whole life and my mood swings were of no surprise to anyone and completely accepted.
As much as I’m enjoying this change, that’s something I miss.
My new boss had only known me for a few days and commented that I would be teary one minute, upbeat the next, then low energy again and there didn’t seem to be any external factors influencing my mood.
I told him (and I had had a beer at lunchtime so that may have influenced my candor) – You just don’t know which Ivy you’re going to get.
He asks – How many Ivy’s are there? Are any of them dangerous?
A few hours after that conversation I got the sack.
But and it’s not about that. I was bad at the job.
People were making excuses. They didn’t want to buy these tickets to a show the they would not attend.
Someone said to me, “I don’t want to spend that money right now; I’m retiring and have bought a caravan.” I sad, “Are you going to be SAD? – See Australia and Die?“
At one point after being unemployed for ten weeks and living alone for over a month I was just enjoying talking to people and joking with them based on their occupation.
Hairdresser – Before you cut me off let me tell you about how you can help the children.
Podiatrist – Just let me get my foot in the door.
Dentist – How many mouths have you been inside today?
But as the excuses continued including “I can hardly afford groceries right now.”
I found my self saying “Are you trying to say no? It’s ok to say no, I won’t get angry.”
The people on the other side of the phone were really surprised, they were like “YES, NO, good luck with that! And take me off the list.”
At one point a telemarketer called me while I was telemarketing asking for $20 a month for the children and I said ‘no’ because it’s ok to say no.
I’m trying not to be a people pleaser anymore and sensing in others if they want to say no but can’t quite bring themselves to do so.
I want to always be a safe space where people can say not to reasonable things and not be made to feel guilty or cop verbal abuse (I’m not talking about telemarketers there).
When you start to say no and put yourself first for perfectly reasonable and normal things certain relationships in your life will fall apart, never to be revived.
In relation to the question – Am I dangerous?
When high I like to have sex and go shopping.
For example, I recently spent over four hundred bucks on bright orange lingerie, literally said to the woman in the shop “Shut up and take my money.” and few days later wore to go have sex with a stranger.
Is that dangerous? It sounded like I was being murdered but he was just beating my pussy up.