Years ago, when my son was quite young, he was not the sort
of child that would naturally listen to his parents and do what he was told.
He needed to understand why something was important and have
respect for the person in authority who was directing his behaviour.
I think this is because of autism and frankly I think it
keeps him safe from being a victim of child abuse because I can not imagine him
listening to an adult tell him to do something that does not make sense to him.
I recall having to say no to the child and letting him cry
himself to sleep because I refused to let him play with broken glass.
He screamed, he beat his head against the wall, bit himself
and would not be diverted from this dangerous idea.
I knew if I let him get what he wanted it would just hurt
him and then it would reflect badly on me.
I endured the tantrum calmly, let him exhaust himself and it
was forgotten the next day.
Before we had a toddler who acted this way it had not been
clear to me that the ex-had a similar pattern of behaviour.
His approach was to say horrible things, threaten to end the
relationship if he did not get something that he wanted.
Something that I believed was dangerous to the longevity of
our relationship and would reflect badly on me.
He had developed a ‘Hot Wife’ fantasy where the wife has sex
with another man while the husband watches then is ‘reclaimed’ by the act of
the husband having sex with her afterwards.
IMAGE
I instantly found this idea repulsive, but he persistently
pleaded with me to talk about it, think about it, watch porn about it.
Leading up to this impasse’s where I refused to have sex
with another man, we’d fight about my refusal to comply with what I believe is
a totally unreasonable demand.
He would threaten to end the relationship.
He would use the knowledge he as about my sad childhood
spent growing up without a father and bring into play the similarities in our
lives.
The similarity is that his father was in the family home
while he was growing up but did not give him or the other children enough
attention and when my ex was a teenager his parents got divorced.
He would go on to describe how horrible getting divorced is,
the process of going through the house and deciding who owns what.
He said, “We’re all fucked up, we don’t want our son to turn
out like us.” He was saying that living our lives without an involved father
had damaged us somehow.
After all that I would think to myself “Yes maybe I should
just do this, then he will go to sleep and tomorrow it will all be forgotten.”
I would then “perform.”
I would have sex with him when I didn’t want to, but act
like I did want to while creating a sexy story about me having sex with another
man.
The story had to be such that it would turn him on but not
make him feel inadequate.
They were never true but at times involved talking about a
real person that I may have had a previous sexual encounter with.
I would also invite him to have anal sex with me which is
not what I wanted but these “performances” would go on for hours, often late at
night when I had important commitments to attend to the next day and I know
that anal sex would get him to “completion.”
Sex of this type had become a chore and something that I
felt like I had to do to keep my place in the home and to keep my family
together.
He is aware of my abandonment issues, non-traditional
upbringing in poverty and that I see him not only as our son’s father but a bit
like my “daddy” and used this to his advantage.
It has taken some time away from this man for me to
acknowledge that this is not consent and that I was being raped within my
relationship.
I’ll also point out at this time that on one occasion when
we were watching porn, we saw a video of a woman was being fucked by another
man while her husband filmed it. She looked shocked and afraid but aroused. He
said, “You know in some of these ones the chick is just going along with it to
please her fella.” He did not seem to understand that this was a form of rape.
When watching a ‘Hot Wife’ being fucked by several men he exclaimed in
admiration “How do you get a chick to do that?”
Pornhub browsing history?
I have researched this phenomenon online and it’s common for
this sort of demand to only take place after a woman’s life is completely
intertwined with her husband to the point where she is financially dependent,
lives together and they have children.
Over the years, with consent, event to mutual enjoyment my
ex was able to tell me what to wear, coach me on how to better perform oral
sex, introduced toys, taken a collection of photos and videos with consent
under the agreement they were just for us.
This obsession with me being a ‘Hot Wife’ only became the
bane of my existence after I had become much more dependent on him financially
and we raising a child together had strengthened our bond.
He is aware of my abandonment issues, non-traditional
upbringing in poverty and that I see him not only as our son’s father but a bit
like my “daddy” and used this to his advantage.
He got to the point where he was coercing me to message a
stranger online so that we could all meet up to have sex.
(Redhotpie.com may be able to retrieve some messages that
lead up to this incident – email [email protected]
and username Jivey and mobile number 0448 330 457.
In fact, is it possible to have his computers seized?)
After that I left the home about two years ago.
I have been asked why I didn’t get him to leave.
He has never directly assaulted me, but I find him
physically intimidating and on the evening before this previous break up that
‘didn’t stick’ I said I would call the police, have him removed from the home and
he said, “Just see what I’ll do to you.”
He screamed at me, said “You’re not a wife’s asshole.” And
wanted me and our son out I took that as a threat to my personal physical
safety, said we would be gone the next day and barricaded me in the spare room.
IMAGE – 27th of June 2022
It was the next morning that I stormed off and went to a
caravan park, a Port Pirie Air B n B, my mum’s shed and a few nights here and
there in a friends child’s bedroom on days when her daughters were staying with
their dad.
On the 2nd of July my ex threatened to kill
himself. I called the police and explained that while I was concerned for his
safety, but I could not go to see him myself because I was getting out of the
relationship and if I were to do that, he would be getting the wrong idea.
Within the next half an hour he was strapped to an Ambulance
and detained under the mental health act. (Port Pirie Police and The Port
Pirie Hospital should have a record of this.)
I was informed that he was in hospital and went to the house
to get some socks.
My ex came back to the house, and I fled through the garage
taking one of the cars that legally I owned because I would have to get closer
to him to leave through the front door.
He became enraged because he had personal possessions packed
for a trip to Adelaide including methamphetamine in the boot and called the
police on me asserting that I had stolen his property. Port Pirie police
should have a record of this.
Also, on that evening I retrieved some possessions from the
home with Port Pirie Police officers present.
IMAGES – 3rd of July 2022
He and his mother also stormed over to my mother’s house
that evening and verbally abused her. They were trying to find me and the
vehicle.
IMAGE – 3rd of July 2022
I went on to live in a furnished house that was only about
half an hour’s drive away from our hometown and went on to allow our son to be
with his father 50/50.
Because of our child we still had contact, my son wanted to
be at our beautiful family home as the rental that I was in was less than ideal.
I was completely exhausted after just over a month of trying
to cope on my own outside of our normal home where my son had abundant
resources to entertain himself.
His mother also said that I needed to acknowledge that he
was getting drug counselling, relationship counselling and if I didn’t give him
another chance, he would kill himself and it would be my fault.
I found getting out of the relationship very difficult. I
ended up going back.
If he had allowed me to live in the family home with my son
while we got through this transition, I would not have done this.
But he talked about wanting to be a better and more involved
father and insisted that understood that I could not manage this ‘Hot Wife’
thing, and his fantasy was over.
My son also wanted to go home. To the house, his things and
his familiar environment.
I wanted to try and be a family and allowed myself to
believe that he only acts this way because of drugs.
We had a good year, but ‘Hot Wife’ talk started up again
although at this point, I had been able to divert him from being coerced into
having sex with a stranger of his choosing and had instead identified an old
flame that was the only man I knew that I would be happy to have sex with other
than my husband.
I have had sex with this man. Without my husband present.
This person’s respectful treatment of me and his complete
understanding of consent has helped me to identify that I’ve been getting
abused for years.
Experiencing sex as something that is about my pleasure and
not an obligation has had me having some new experiences and writing about
them. This is not a crime.
I’d also like to point out that my husband threatened to
tell everyone about my ‘kinks’ and publish home-made sex tapes and my openness
about sex online and in stand-up comedy is an effort to take away his power.
I even told him that I’d publish my own sex tape where I’m
with a man who is younger, better looking than him and more well-endowed. I
have not done this but if I were to do so it would not make him publishing our
tapes without my permission any less wrong.
I did enjoy sex with him about seven years ago before this
stuff started.
My previous lawyer asked me to explain why I packed up my
son, a carload of possessions and headed to Adelaide on the 30th of
May never to return.
Why I didn’t have my son at school for six weeks.
Why I spent all my savings to live for one month in a $2.5
million house in the Eastern suburbs.
It’s because I have never forgotten the way things went down
two years ago.
My husband wanted 50/50 care. But this meant that I would
have to communicate with him every few days and research shows a requirement of
a 21 days of no contact when extricating oneself from an abusive relationship.
When I had my son with me in Adelaide he kept asking for his
grandma (my mum) who is still in Port Pirie.
He didn’t ask for his dad. He still remembered the yelling.
In an earlier shot of messages from 2022 I say that I don’t
talk back so that things won’t escalate.
After feeling like I had been walking on broken glass I’d
started to stick up for myself and the verbal abuse had become quite full on.
I got to the point where he would threaten to end the relationship,
and I would respond with “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I remember how hard it was putting my son through so much
change with the different house.
This is why I got beautiful accommodation, to help him to be
more comfortable.
I remember moving around every few days and thinking that
50/50 isn’t what’s best for him.
I had wanted one of us to be primary care through the school
term with the other having two weekends a month and school holidays. Swapping
each year.
I had my lawyer ask his lawyer to let Ethan and I go to Port
Pirie and live in the family home without my husband present. He refused.
As I tried to get my son into school, I did not approach my
husband for identification documents because I wanted to keep ‘no contact.’
Birth certificates, driver’s licence. Getting Centrelink.
This all took time.
I did ask for my passport recently and had this response.
This is holding me up from getting a job.
Through a lawyer I asked my husband to organise mediation
services so that we could have a legally binding child custody agreement in
place.
He refused.
I had to secure a rental before I could get a primary
school. This took time.
Once I had a primary school lined up, I was informed that I
couldn’t keep that school a secret from my husband without an intervention
order.
Port Pirie police refused to do this for me before I left
town.
I’ve found it difficult to streamline and explain myself
within ten pages why I feel so strongly about not having my husband know where
I am in or to get this to happen through a lawyer up until now.
At this point I asked my husband to allow Ethan to be
enrolled in an Adelaide primary school.
He convinced me that Ethan should be in Port Pirie and go to
his normal school.
He also asserted that I should be in Port Pirie, and we
should have 50/50 care.
I said that Ethan could go to Port Pirie and finish the
school year and that I should still get to see him when he didn’t have to be at
school and that this would only happen in Adelaide.
I was getting exhausted, had secured a rental property that
was not ‘big and beautiful’ which is what my son had been used to and knew that
I needed a little rest.
I also wanted a chance to make the flat ‘kid friendly.’
It was only when I was exhausted and couldn’t manage to care
for my son, alone in an unsuitable environment in 2022 that I had consented to
return to the family home.
Ethan had also recently had a video call with his father on
the 26th of June or may have been the 27th of June (was
in the middle of the night) because he was in hospital and afterwards expressed
a desire to see his dad.
Jason took Ethan from our Air B n B in the Eastern Suburbs
with my consent on the 3rd of June. Ethan was unsure about leaving
but I assured him that he would see me again.
Jason did not commit to returning Ethan, but I had been
feeling guilty about having Ethan to myself for six seeks in Adelaide and
allowed them to go to Port Pirie with his dad.
Jasons refused to participate in mediation, and I have
called him several times at a point where my mum ‘grandma’ would be visiting
Adelaide outside of school time asking for Ethan to come and spend time with
me.
It descends into abuse.
After asking for an intervention order on Tuesday the 27th
of August police advised me to stop communicating with him directly. Which I
have done. You’ll see that he appears to believe that I am quite mentally ill,
tells me I won’t see my son and then encourages me to kill myself. I must point
out that having joint custody of 50/50 gives him an opportunity to continue
with the emotional abuse.
I do not assert that he is not caring for our son appropriately,
in fact thinking that he is being looked after and that grandma is also there
has helped me get through this time but I think it is in the child’s best
interests for him to have some contact with mum and I have come to realise that
I must participate in what will hurt me financially because he asserts that I
am a mentally ill, drug addicted, alcoholic with no evidence.
I’m also concerned that he is discussing ‘adult themes’ with
our son. When I was explaining why the marriage ended to the child I focused on
things like yelling, being told what to do, dad was always complaining and it
made me sad, dad didn’t help us and was in the music room all the time then
sleeping all day.
IMAGES – 2nd August 2024 – 3:40 pm
*I did stop taking my meds, I needed the blind confidence
and positive outlook almost to the point of delusion in order to extricate
myself from this relationship.
It was a necessary move made in order to counteract the
almost twenty years of verbal abuse, isolation, put downs and criticism that
crept up on me under coercive control.
When not heavily sedated I was able spend hours searching
for a rental, researching schools, applying for identity documents, pleasing
with Centrelink and the Housing Trust for support despite the fact that I had
property ownership.
I was able to tell my story with a certain level of
detachment and not burst into tears.
Then recently when highly manic I got into a physical fight
with a close friend.
I realised that I needed to amend my behaviour for my
physical safety.
I went back to medicating every day on the 15th
of August.
I am now taking a pill that has less of a sedative effect.
I have no regrets about the decisions that I have made
except from some ridiculous purchases.
IMAGES – 27th of August 2024
*an offhand comment from a depressed and exhausted mother who
is getting negative support – that is her partner resents the attention given
to the child and resents the mother putting the child first – is not a plot of
maternal filicide.
I’m not waiting anymore as I didn’t know that my ex was turning
my son against me in this way. I am also upset that he knows where I live now.
I’m also waiting for coercive control legislation to pass.
In a perfect world I’d like all the custody, all the child
support and an intervention order so that I can get my son onto that Adelaide
Primary school without the ex-knowing which school he attends and an expedited
financial settlement for me to purchase a unit near this school.
West Lakes Shore School – Edwin Street, West Lakes Shore. 8448
7255.
Ethan was introduced to the school and his only question was
about whether he would be able to access occupational therapy services on site.
I have put his name on a waiting list for this to take place.
I did have a little break down but I was a good mum for a
long time.