Last night I got into a fight.
What really happened was that I was punched in the face three times while cowering in the corner screaming “Stop hurting me.”
The most disturbing thing about this is not the actual violence.
Not that the person was screaming at me while it was happening that they are the only one that has been there for me, people talk badly about me behind my back and they are the one person sticking up for me.
The mining for personal information earlier that day.
,The criticisms of my friends that I now realise they made every time we spoke.
The little put downs when that person appeared to be ‘being nice’ that I was not able to identify before last night as another way of hurting me.
OR
The gifts and profession of love that happened earlier that day which made the violence hours later all the more upsetting and confusing.
It is the fact that after three months of safety (away from a different person) I had become unable to work, eat, clean or make basic day to day decisions.
I had trouble thinking about anything other than writing, was missing important appointments and in recent days contemplated suicide.
Not to do it.
Don’t call for a white van and straight jacket.
Do not unlock the padded cell for another better looking guest.
Power down the electric shock machine and save the leather straps and plastic ball gag for more pleasurable activities.
I had the feeling and it scared me so I called and called and called until I was able to get hold of a loved one who told me everything was going to be ok, I had rapidly cycling mood swings that meant I would feel totally differently tomorrow and I should go and do something nice for myself.
That’s not what happened at all.
That is what I wanted her to say.
She actually told me to make a list and I hung up the phone.
It wasn’t what she said but the impression in her voice that she cared about me that was the important thing.
.And a follow up text – I love you ❤️
But yeah the day before yesterday was a pretty fucking low point and I thought that getting out of a bad situation meant that things were supposed to improve.
But last night after being reportedly punched in the face and screamed at by a person that I love.
After that extreme fear which also made me soak my jeans with excitement.
The most disturbing thing of all is that today I feel like myself again.
I don’t yet know how to live any other way and I can’t blame the ex anymore.
I walked right into this one because it felt familiar.
But I am coming to realise that familiar is wrong.
This afternoon I got a message from Chocolate Love asking if I’d like to come round and ‘hang.’
No presents, promises about the future, shared childhood trauma. alcohol or drugs.
‘Hang’ means come over, have sex, have a cigarette then leave.
He doesn’t have to slap me around because he is so big it hurts and responds to basic requests like “Please don’t choke me.’ And “Can you take it easy this time?”
He’s also honest about seeing other women and never wants to marry again.
He has never called me crazy – possibly because he works n a hospital and knows what that really means.
And every time I say no to him the response is “Ok hun.”
I didn’t need to be drawn in because he is so good damn beautiful.
Is this the best version of safe sex that I can handle right now?
This ain’t familiar.
ADDENDUM
As a person living with an officially diagnosed mental health disorder with a history of trauma I have never said “If I don’t get ‘X’ I am going to kill myself.”
If you are a loved that gets a call like this don’t worry about saying the wrong thing, just stay on the phone for a bit.
*This story takes different parts of several personal experiences to create a narrative and is not a direct statement of fact pertaining to actual events of the last few days”
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