*This one is out of chronological order because I didn’t publish on the day it was written. I’ve got the date as 7th of August*
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Last night I’d had a day off from taking my olanzapine.
I was sick of the fog, fatigue, and inability to think straight.
It was easier to operate day to day fully medicated when I had a routine, more stable home life, and work that I was familiar with.
I spent part of the day worrying about what I had done.
I was in touch with reality, crying in the back of an Uber, crying on the train, unable to think straight.
It dawned on me that while I prepared and performed a comedy routine that managed to turn post-separation abuse, chemical restraint, attempted blackmail, triangulation, and revenge porn made me empowered this whole thing has been quite traumatic.
I messaged the Italian that day describing myself as having a disability/superpower.
I don’t know if a normal person would have done what I did.
Earlier that day I had to attend a doctor’s appointment to secure a mental health care plan and re-engage with weekly counseling.
My counselor was keeping me in check a few weeks ago, asking me if I had somewhere to live.
Did I have a job?
Did I have a lawyer?
Had I organised for our son to go to school?
I trust this man having worked with him some time ago to address my drinking.
He was practical then, addressing stress in my life and assisting me to neutralize it.
He knew it wasn’t about the drink but the reasons why I wanted to drink so frequently.
In the morning as I left the home of an incredibly handsome Nigerian man who’d provided me with some sexual healing I told him I needed to go deal with my health.
He seemed concerned but I told him that I like having someone in my life who does not have any involvement in the messy breakup that I am going through and did not ask questions.
By the end of the day, a combination of the sedative leaving my system and my brain feeling like everything was too much led me to experience an intense wave of desire.
Like a physical heat, like being completely immersed in a hot bath but the water gets inside your body.
I have an addictive personality and the orgasms bring me some relief.
Therefore it feels good I want more.
I beleive that other people turn more frequently to their addictions in times of stress.
For example drugs and alcohol.
I’ve always said that that only makes things worse.
It’s unlike me to go back for more the very next day.
I realized that I could potentially head down the rabbit hole instead of addressing the tasks at hand.
I got a hold of myself, had a cup of tea, put some classical music on, and took olanzapine.
I had needed to fill my cup before heading off on this next battle.
Fill your cup means that you need to do something to feel good before you get back to work or do things that empty your cup.
After our second encounter which had taken place after my first night on stage at the Rhino Room both our cups were full.
I had left his home saying “That was fucking amazing.” with a smile on my face.
He seemed happy too.
But yeah, decided not to go back again the very next day and am able to direct my energy elsewhere like applying for work.
I felt a bit scared so I put on the orange underwear.
It didn’t happen to appear quite so terrible this time.
More to come.